A salesman walks up and sees a little boy sitting on the steps. He says
"hi little fellow. Is your mother and father home?" The little boy replied "yeah." After knocking on the door for a while,
he asked the little boy, "I thought you said your mother and father were home?" The little boy replied "they are, but we don't
live here!"
A guy walks in a bar and orders 12 shots.
He quickly gulps them down as quick as he can. The bartender looks with amazement and asks "why are you drinking those
shots like that!" The guy says "You would too if have what I have." The bartender says "What do you have?" The guy says "
NO MONEY!"
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch
your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
(Jackie Mason)
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in
a row!" (Steven Wright)
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps
finding her way back! (Henny Youngman)
My father confused me. From the ages of
one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! (Bill Cosby)
I was making love to this girl and
she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now!" (Rodney Dangerfield)
A bum asked me "Can you loan me $10
till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who works!" (Henny Youngman)
Two guys are walking down the street when
a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you!"
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says,
"This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as
long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at
a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
At a White House party, a woman approached
Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He
replied: "You lose."
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc,
my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But
we need the eggs."
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets
him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing
in doo-doo up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with doo-doo
up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with doo-doo
up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts
to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over! Back to
work!
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor
slapped my mother! (Henny Youngman)
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells
"You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Two campers are hiking in the woods when
one is bitten on his butt by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles
to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says.
‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the
ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re
gonna die."
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I
charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer
replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
Saul is working in his store when he hears
a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for
$3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why.
"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put
it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take
a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes
easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has
twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the
voice. Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "unf--kingbelievable!"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow
of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and
ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and
ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They
bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing
but complain since you got here!"
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild
playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg
of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven
and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)
A guy is sitting at home when he
hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as
he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the
hell was that all about?"
Doctor says "I'm afraid you only have six
months to live." He found out I couldn't pay the bill - gave me another six months! (Henny Youngman)
I was coming back from Canada, driving through
Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?' (Steven Wright)
Three kids come down to the kitchen and
sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some (bleeping)
French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child
what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more (bleeping) French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and
sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but
I definitely don’t want the (bleeping) French toast."
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator.
Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close
his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd
agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs
a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone
buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the
back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle."
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed
and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. (Joan Rivers)
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made
a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. (Rodney Dangerfield)
